Malthus to Signs $20 Million Endorsement Deal

The Associated Press reports that promotional Reebok-branded childrens jewelry has been found to have killed at least one child who ate one of the charms and promptly died of lead poisoning. Not awesome, .40 caliber style lead poisoning, but the infinitely less exciting variety that results when you accidently ingest "heart-shaped charms engraved with the "Reebok" name" that have been given away free with the purchase of any pair of children's Reeboks.

Like a big, gay security blanket on your face

From the NYT today:

"Whenever a countercultural trend becomes a mainstream one, there is a natural tendency to look for deeper meaning. Do beards that call to mind Charles Manson suggest dissatisfaction with "the system"? Are broody beards, like the dark and somber mood of the fall fashion collections, physical manifestations of a melancholia in the air? Are they a reflection of the stylistic impact on mainstream fashion of the subculture of gay men known as bears, who embrace natural body hair?
[...]
Andrew Deutsch, a designer of interactive Web videos, swears that having a beard has changed his life, giving him an air of confidence. "I met my current girlfriend a week after I started growing my beard in November," Mr. Deutsch said. Now he finds himself constantly touching and stroking the beard, as if it were a talisman. "It's like a security blanket on my face," he said."

No Shit

The Washington Post reports that a study conducted by the Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston has come to the groundbreaking conclusion that you're better off being lazy and skinny than active and fat. Which is kind of odd, considering how hard it is to be active when you've lost both of your legs to Type II diabetes, unless they mean actively stuffing one's fat fucking face with yet another package of Ding-Dongs.

The ideal, of course, is to be skinny and fit, which gives one the endurance necessary to make a career out of harpooning these lumbering behemoths from the storm-tossed thwarts of your longboat, before dragging their floating carcasses back to the ship, rendering their blubber into oil and selling their bones to corset-makers.