Breaking Out is Impossible - Breaking In is Insane

Yes, one more step down the road to full-scale tire armor and makeshift crossbow carnage... The apocolypse is nigh, and when it comes I'll be there in with my mohawk, assless chaps and eyepatch, merrily driving my dune-buggy over the calcified skulls of my enemies.

US sets Saddam's scientists free (BBC)

Eight members of Saddam's "Operation Bloated Toddler Corpse" strikeforce - including "Mrs. Anthrax" and "Dr. Germ" were recently released by American forces, apparently as part of a pre-election deal to appease those fussy Sunni bitches. 6 months ago I would have made some joke about WMDs' and Democracy, but Bush's "Operation Universal Ennui" strikeforce has been too fucking effective, so instead I think I'll watch some TV, buy something online, and cry myself to sleep.

"World Bank Reconsiders Trade's Benefits to Poor" (WP)

According to a groundbreaking new study by the fucking World Bank, full, pie-in-the-sky, no tariff globalization will have the effect of lifting an estimated 6-12 million people above the poverty line. Problem being, of course, is that's about one percent of all the people living under the poverty line, and significantly below prior WB forecasts.


Sorry Hariri! No trickle down for you... Back to the desert of the real you go! And bring your ragged sack with you.

Fuck you, gene slc24a5

The Washington Post reports that crackerdome is actually a genetic flaw, which is apparently why I bear more resemblance to the underbelly of a rotting grouper than a young Tookie Williams.
The leading explanation, according to the article, is that some dusky ancesstress of mine found the freakish, mutated translucence of my male progenitor's skin to be arousing. Billions of dollars in academic research into genomics somehow results in the postulate that women get aroused by the sight of sickly pallid flesh, which has totally been my own experience, and totally worth, by the way, the susceptibility to cancer resulting from exposure to any light source greater than a 60w lightbulb.

Newsflash: Orcas Difficult to Set on Fire

The most important story of the day: Norwegian researchers have found that the flesh of killer whales is contaminated with industrial flame retardants. If only we could find some way of contaminating the flesh of American soldiers serving in Iraq with industrial explosion retardants, then we'd be all fucking set.


Fireproof Fish

"U.S Will Investigate Video of Road Violence" (WP)

I guess if feeding our German Shephards a steady diet of Iraqi quadricep has been deemed an appropriate interrogation technique, then making a sport out of shooting the fuck out of random Iraqi's in their cars while listening to Elvis shouldn't be construed as "Road Violence," right? I would think that the administration would have devised a clever 'rendition' type euphimism like, I dunno, 'Highway Maintenence.'

Dude - watch me maintain the fuck out of that late model daihatsu packed with terrified desert people!

Environmental Regulation, Chinese Style

The BBC reports that the vice-mayor of a city near where a ginormous toxic spill occurred has been found dead; "News of his death came as China said it would severely punish anyone found to have tried to cover up the impact of the blast, in north-eastern Jilin."

"US Bound by Torture Treaty" (BBC)

Bound to continue feeding our pets on the sweet, trembling flesh of terrified Iraqi's, maybe.

The "Scott Teper Defense"

Man Argues He's Too Overweight for Jail

The Giant Blue Hand of Nursultan Nazarbayev Will Crush Dissent

Astonishingly, the AP reports that the Kazakh Vote Not Up to Standards. Apparently the Kazakh Government is devoting more time to being enraged at Sascha Baron Cohen than they are at making pretences of Democratic governance.

For those of you with younger siblings

No worries concerning by brother on this regard, but Julia's definitely finding one of these under the tree this year. Wanton harlot.

The Baddest Ass University of Chicago Graduate Ever

My friend Billy got convicted of conspiring to set a couple HUMVEES on fire. He's currently in the "Disciplinary Dorm" at Lompoc Prison - here's an excerpt from his latest letter:



"Now why am I being disciplined? To use the beaureu-speak of my unit-manager, I am 'Not living up to my financial obligations,' or better still, I have 'Broken a bond of trust between myself and the institution.' Specifically, I am subject to a $245 dollar a month fine, towards the $3.5 million in damages which I am supposed to pay off. Unfortunately, for my more-or-less full time job I only make $5 a month."

Billy, a former string-theory physicist at CalTech, manages to find a silver lining in every Disciplinary cloud:

"If there's one good thing about prison, it'll get you ripped. Today, for instance , I'm going to do ten sets of the following: 5 pull ups with a 45lb weight + 10 dups with 45lb weight + 10 unweighted pull-ups + 12 unweighted dips + 15 push-ups. Four minutes rest. I couldn't imagine doing this workout a year ago... Still pretty weak on the bench press, but I can totally see myself doing 300lbs+ before I leave here."

Fuck you, Beverly O'Connell

Fucking Interhamwe Cab Drivers

So I just had to take a co-worker suffering from anaphylactic shock to the hospital. Anyway, our cab driver, Lawrence, starts yapping about how people who are deathly allergic to dairy should not eat dairy (thanks, Lawrence!), which then segues into a conversation about how short chicks dig tall men, and how fat women dig skinny men, because two fat people can't have sex - "It is like, it is like - have you ever seen beach seals? It is like that - too fat, too fat for fun! HA!" My co-worker is too busy gasping and panting and clawing at her throat and shit to pay much attention to Lawrence's stream-of-consciousness insanity, which left me to try to think up suitably inane responses that would walk that narrow line between encouraging further soliloquizing and accidentally provoking him into brutally disfiguring me with a rusty agricultural implement.

Ashcroft overturns breasts, dark skinned Congressmen

Apparently the only thing he hated more than lustrous marble Justice-Teats was the thought of our darker skinned brethren in Texas going to the polls and voting for minority candidates.

Women bombers break new ground (BBC)

According to the BBC, the growing trend of female suicide bombers shatter "'the male monopoly over jihad", according to Dr Mustafa Alani, a counter-terrorism expert with the Gulf Research Centre in Dubai. The martyrs' paradise - often cited as a reward for suicide attackers - need no longer be a male preserve, he says.'

Hey Faatima, see that glass ceiling over there? I'm going to blow it the fuck up!

Focus on the Family

See, these are precisely the type of values that are being lost when we start driving hybrids and letting gays get married... Pretty soon you won't be able to depend upon on your chattel-wife to stab a hobo, much less get her to travel half way around the world to blow herself the fuck up in a crowd of hungry desert people.

Russian squirrel pack 'kills dog' (BBC)

Kudos to Swenson for finding something else for the "Killer Animals in Russia" file. Apparently a legion of black squirrels in some Far-East Russian garden spot eviscerated a large, barking dog, and then scampered off at the sight of humans, some carrying pieces of flesh. If only the flying tree snakes could chill with the mushroom picker carnage for long enough to take on the fucking squirrels, then we could have some improbable animal behavior cage match action.

"Paid Iraq Stories Concern White House" (AP)

On Wednesday, the LA Times broke the story of the $5 million dollar contract gifted by the Pentagon to the shadowy Lincoln Group to plant fabricated or hastily plagiarized articles glorifying the American occupation in the Iraqi media. This is apparently a subject of some concern to the White House, and for good reason - why pay good money for what you get for free here at home? I mean, is it a bad sign that some hack in Falluja charges more for his services than Pulitzer prize winning American journalists?

Holiday Movie Suggestions

'Afghan Massacre: Convoy of Death'

Think "Incredible Journey" meets "Classics of Afghani Snuff Films vol. XII." By the way - if I were to have had a band in high school, it definitely would have been named "Convoy of Death," and wearing a t-shirt with this logo would have made me one bad motherfucker.