In probably the best organ-thieving story I've read all week, the Washington Post reports that funeral homes in New York have been harvesting the freshly dead, including such notables as Alistair Cooke, and reselling their decaying, aged flesh on the open market. Apparently, "the illegal sales worry Dead's kin, Tissue Recipients."

New Feature!

Introducing a new weekly feature - "That Lyndon Says the Darndest Things," in which we will explore the inscrutable wisdom of our nations most hilarious third party alternative.

This weeks installment, courtesy of those strangely earnest hordes of unwashed youth that haunt me at metro stops across the District, is culled from "Executive Intelligence Review" (Vol.33 No. 4 p. 37), and quotes Larouche as saying the following:

"I have returned to the Pythagorean method Sphaerics, with the aim of leading young adults to work their way to the physical implications of Riemannian hypergeometries."

Keep in mind - this autodidactic hyperbabble is behind the most active political youth movement in this country, frighteningly enough, so there must be something to this whole Sphaerics thing.

Tales of the baddest-ass Chicago Grad Ever, continued

In his latest letter from Lompoc, Billy writes "On to important things - Books! I am desperately in need of some intelligent-ish distratction now. Could you please send the updated "Adam Alexander" Top 40 Countdown? ... You're the only person I know with any taste in books."

So despite my impeccable taste in 'intelligent-ish' books, which I'm guessing is code for 'anything not involving numbers-ish,' I am magnanimously asking the wider world for any literary suggestions for someone who has, oh, the next 7 1/2 to 8 years to devote to reading. Post any suggestions you might have, like Edward Abbey or Dostoevsky, and I'll pass them along.

My "James Frey" Week

On Monday I injected almost an ounce of pure, Bolivian marching powder, cut with the dehydrated blood of disabled Romanian orphans, directly into my prostate. I regained consciousness somewhere in the Horn of Africa approximately 78 hours later, after having apparently single-handedly sparked renewed violence between Eritrea and Ethiopia.

"Supportive, protective and delightful bras horrify fragile men" (PRAVDA)

Some things I've learned from Pravda's instructive article on the history of bra's:
-"Those who do not risk undergoing plastic surgery to make the bust better or bigger may wear bras with silicone pads. The result is the same that after plastic surgery on bosom, at least by sight and to the touch."

-"Doctors say that men may run certain risks when they experience a wonderful pleasure of undressing a woman."

Risks? What kind of risks, Pravda?

- "An incident that occurred to a 27-year-old man suggested researchers the idea of conducting the experiment. The man broke his finger and got copulas seriously hurt when attempting to take a bra off his woman. The trauma resembled the one typical of mountain-climbers."

I don't really know what 'copulas' are, or how you would hurt them whilst mountain climbing, much less disrobing the bitches. People in medical school? This something you've covered in anatomy?

Violent games 'affect behaviour' (BBC)

The BBC reports that a University of Missouri-Columbia study has found that violent videogames 'affect behaviour,' which seems like total bullshit when you consider the fact that I was torturing small animals and disabled children long before my first Atari 2600.

In a related story, two Iraqi insurgents played a marathon, Mountain Dew-fueled bout of GTA: San Andreas and then disguised themselves as high-ranking police officers and blew themselves the fuck up outside of the Interior Ministry, killing over a dozen Iraqi policemen.

Atachicken

According the Washington Post a third sibling in the unfortunate poultry farming family has died of the bird flu, most probable contracted whilst "playing with the heads of dead chickens infected with the disease, which explains why the parents were not affected. The Turkish newspaper Sabah said the children had tossed the chicken heads like balls inside their house in Dogubayazit, near the Iranian border."

'Turkish teenagers die of bird flu' (BBC)

According to PETA, "Chickens are inquisitive, interesting animals who are as intelligent as mammals like cats, dogs, and even primates. They are very social and like to spend their days together, scratching for food, cleaning themselves in dust baths, roosting in trees, and lying in the sun."
Well, now we can add HARBINGERS OF THE FUCKING APOCALYPSE to that cockle-warming little orgy of anthropomorphization. The only upside of the imminent global pandemic will be watching the PETA activist who recently changed his name to KentuckyFriedCruelty.com scratching for food and cleaning himself in dust baths in the cold, harsh future so close at hand, assuming his little feathered friends (as intelligent as primates!) don't kill him first.